Excerpts from some diaries found in an old trunk.....
June 21^st, 1965…..I just returned from my year long trip to the Ach…. Ashram in the Sahyadris. It was a relief to be away from Ramesh and the daily quarrels. Ramesh seems to have changed a lot and has implored me to never leave him again. Maybe it is not too hard to reconcile after all. He does not have any objection if I continue seeing Madhav, too……..

Dec 18^th, 1965….I am so frustrated. Days are literally dragging by and I miss my old hangout, my friends and Madhav’s companionship. Ramesh is such a buffoon, a big bore. To make matters even more difficult, I have found out that we are expecting a child. I am just not up to raising one, amidst all the uncertainties and complications in my life right now. Madhav stopped by today, while Ramesh was all alone in the study, sulking over his drinks. He is leaving for London and wants me to go along with him. I am thinking of getting a termination – it would be Ramesh’s flesh and blood too, after all.

Sep 20^th, 1967….Neeraja my baby - the light of my life. Madhav sends me letters still, asking if I need any help. Today I sent him a photo of Neeraja and I in the park. Neeraja looks so happy and yet she asks for so little from us, in our present situation (which has not changed at all). Ramesh just fails to deliver – I never really understood him or his ideas. Madhav is my Heathcliff and Ramesh the spineless Edgar, and I have to forsake my beloved Heathcliff. I have replied to Madhav, informing that I cannot join him in London. I need to think about Neeraja and her welfare. God saved me from taking a ghastly decision once and I know He would guide me henceforth. ….

Mamma, I am reading these pages from your diaries that I found in that old trunk, when I was cleaning the loft in your room. It has been three weeks since you are in the hospital. Recovery has been very slow and you are still having problems recognizing people and remembering events.

Your writings gave me some awful feelings, Mamma. How does one feel when she finds out that her life was never meant to be? As a child, I remember how you used to say that I was a walking-talking miniature copy of Dad. I have most of Dad’s genes in me, although your upbringing. Yes, Dad was far from perfect – I remember those drunken brawls, his inefficiency at managing the finances for the household, your anger and despair. I can probably understand why this Madhav might have been a better prospect for you. Yes, I saw Madhav last week – that distinguished, well-groomed gentleman waiting outside your room in the hospital. He looked worried and unhappy.

“Hullo! So you are Neeraja? I have photos of you and your Mamma.”

You and your Mamma……I can see why he remembers the photos – you were there in them. For him, I am just an incident, probably a disaster for your and his joint future. However, something stops me from hating this gentleman – he loves my Mamma, something my Dad never did otherwise he would not have failed us both so miserably.

Anyhow. I was talking about discovering that I probably would not have been ‘me’ if you would have decided to ‘terminate’ me and go ahead with your plans with Madhav. Yes, I would have become a different ‘me’. I probably would have never been born or if I would be born, it would be as Ramesh’s child and to someone else if Ramesh had decided to remarry (why wouldn’t he? You and he seemed to have a communication gap ever since you married)!

I shudder to think how my life would be in that situation. Dad was a blundering dreamer with so many ‘vices’. Yes, planning to terminate one’s child and running away with another man are also vices but those were thoughts in your head and you were bold enough to write them down but wise enough to never make those happen. After all, who is to decide what a vice is and what is a virtue? It is all relative, according to how it may affect a person. Madhav would have benefited if you would have gone to London and it was me who gained the most after you changed your decision. For the first time in my life, morality, ethics and all such noble thoughts seem shaken and disturbed.

Let me tell you what would have happened if I had not been born as your and Ramesh’s child but as Ramesh’s and someone else’s. I would probably never get to experience discipline and integrity as a child. Reciting those Sanskrit shlokas, learning about the constellations, the twelve mystical notes on a sitar, seeing your smiling face at the doorstep everyday after returning from school and many more of such blessings. Never once did you make your regret evident – heartache about making the wrong decision of letting Madhav go and seeing Ramesh waste body and soul away and unable to participate in fun activities with his child.

At this stage, I do not really know who was wronged more. Was Dad wronged by you because you did not see an equal in him or were you both unlucky so I could get to see the sun and build happy memories? On the one hand I feel elated that I am your child but I also feel like a parasite vine, growing and attaching myself on you and dampening your growth. But for me, you would have been in London with Madhav, today. You would not have been in this dingy hospital room, struggling for your life after having met with a horrible accident – when you left home in a rage after one of those usual tiffs with Dad.

Mamma, I have spoken to Madhav today and we have made arrangements for you to be flown to London for further treatment, when you have recovered a bit. You would be with Madhav thereafter and I would remain here, to look after Dad a bit. You gave up your dreams to make mine come true and now I do not want to sully my present by creating any more dark memories for the future.

You did not write any explanations in your diary about why you chose to keep me and give up Madhav and neither am I giving any clear reasons about why I have decided to send you with Madhav. In our hearts, we both know it is the same thread that binds us all – compassion and love.

Sometimes we act in a certain way or do some action to make things work out best for that moment, even though it may skew the whole picture, but what a beautiful painting it turns out to be – what brilliant hues and lighting! Never mind how people may interpret it. It is the satisfaction and peace that comes out of having restored the painting instead of letting the colours leach into one another, destroying the beauty that the picture had once been. Each of us trying to reconstruct the painting and hide the flaws. Madhav did something for you because he loved you but he did not care if that was affecting a third person - he could not bear to see you waste yourself for a nobody; you decided to keep me and stand by my Dad and me at the expense of turning away Madhav from you forever and now I have taken one such decision as well.